How to make small talk and other advanced social skills

Does any of this sound familiar?

  • “I hate small talk, let’s just get to the point…”
  • “We started small talk and then there was this long awkward pause…”
  • “I had no idea how to start the conversation so I just sat there silently”

Small talk. Ugh.

But, I do have good news: Small talk is a skill. And just like any other skill, you can become more natural at it with practice. Thousands of my students have improved their social skills (especially if they weren’t “naturals” in social situations).

Today, I’m going to give you word-for-word scripts to help you start this process. Eventually, you’ll be able to set these scripts aside and make them your own — letting your own personality shine through.

How to Make Small Talk at a Glance

Bonus: Want more ways to build healthy habits? Check out my new Ultimate Guide to Habits.

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Instant Irresistibility: Why Making Small Talk is Important

Why even master small talk? Wouldn’t it be easier to get straight to the “important part” of the conversation?

Let me tell you a story about my friend who’s an actress. We were talking about how she’d gone on a bunch of dates and the guys always fell in love with her. They had an instant rapport with her and felt the connection was incredibly deep after meeting her for an hour.

What they failed to understand was that she’s so socially skilled, she’s able to evoke this feeling of awe in most people she interacts with. She’s being totally transparent and ethical, but her social skills are so advanced that they bring out the best version of herself — making her almost irresistible.

The first step to reaching this level of social skills is to master a fool-proof conversation opener.

The 3 openers that work for 90% of situations

Here are 3 scripts that work in nearly any situation. I’m giving you the exact words.

  • “Hi. How’s your morning going?”
  • “Hi. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Ramit.”
  • “Good morning. How are you?”

Seem too simple?

That’s intentional! Notice how ordinary they are. The truth is, we’re not searching for magic words. We’re simply looking for a way to connect and build rapport.

It’s easy to “nod and shrug…” and then go back to what you’ve always done (which probably doesn’t include comfortably talking to anyone you’d like to talk to).

Or you can try something new. Use these scripts — starting today — and see how they evoke positive responses in others around you.

How many times have we walked past doormen, bartenders, people on the street, baristas and used our phones to avoid small talk?

We can change that starting today. Just a small baby step — say hello! Use just one of these openers to start a conversation with a stranger today.

How to Practice Small Talk: Low Stakes Experiments

The general openers above are great “easy outs” when you’re struggling to think of something to say.

But the hardest part isn’t having something to say. It’s having the confidence to actually do it. One of the best ways to build that confidence is to start very short conversations in low-stakes environments.

I’ll show you what I mean. Here are a few scripts to help practice your small talk skills with baristas and clerks.

Scenario #1: Servers and Baristas
Servers and baristas are paid to be friendly, so this is a low-stakes situation. Just be aware of your environment: For example, don’t make your first small-talk attempt when there’s a line of 50 people behind you.

They’ll ask how you’re doing, and what you’d like to order. Instead of ordering your “regular” (in my case, a tall iced green tea, unsweetened), smile first, then try this instead:

“What’s good? (“Everything!”) “No really, what do you get when no one’s looking?”

From here, you can order their suggestion (“That sounds good, I’ll try it”) or stick to your usual (“Cool, I’ll have to try that next time”).

Non-offensive, safe-for-work jokes can add value too, but test your delivery before trying it:

“Have you ever purposely misspelled someone’s name on the cup because you didn’t like them?”

“Seriously, what’s the craziest order you’ve gotten this week?” (Notice how “this week” helps them narrow down the question so they can answer it easily. You do not want to be asking deep philosophical questions at this stage of the game!)

Smile and keep the tone light. This is fun! Treat it like a game and watch what happens.

Scenario #2: Checkout Clerks
Most checkout clerks are treated like cogs in the machine. By taking a few extra seconds to make a genuine connection, you’re automatically standing out because the bar is set so low.

“Do you get a discount as an employee?”

[Pick up a tabloid] “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone buy one of these. Do you sell a lot?”

Try one or create your own questions based around it. Remember to listen to their response, smile, and keep moving on.

The point here is that easy micro-tests in low-stakes environments like coffee shops and stores give you valuable practice and confidence you can apply to higher-pressure situations like conferences or bars.

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The invisible costs of poor social skills

But what happens if your social skills are just average?

Sometimes, it seems the people who don’t recognize the importance of social skills are the people who need it MOST:

She’ll never know what she missed.

How many of us go through this every day? The scary thing is, we’ll never know what we missed out on because of poor social skills. Those opportunities simply cease to exist.

For example…

  • We don’t talk to that girl at the bar, then kick ourselves later. Add this up over years and we end up getting our “second pick” of partners — not the ones we WANT, but the ones who are convenient or left over.
  • We stagnate in making new friends, since it’s hard to meet real friends after college. Especially if you’re not going out a lot.
  • We might be technically very skilled, but we bomb the interview, or get passed over for a promotion, or we’re not in the “inner circle” of people at work whom the boss favors.

There are even more haunting examples of the consequences of having mediocre social skills:

  • I have friends who thought earning enough would be enough to attract a partner. They’ve spent the last 5-10 years on their career, but never took the time to learn how to talk to men and women on a personal level. (A lot of Indian people are like this, actually.) Now what? They’ve got great jobs and lots of money in the bank, but they’re missing a core skill — and as a result, the pool of potential high-caliber partners is way smaller than for someone else.
  • One of my friends runs a successful tech company and was considering acquiring a small 1-man company. After a night of drinking, he asked me what I thought of the guy. He’s a good friend so I told him the brutal truth: I told him that the guy was way too cocky for his experience, I wouldn’t want him on my team, and I told him exactly why. My friend canceled the acquisition the next day. That guy will never know that his social skills cost him a 7-figure payday.

What do all these missed opportunities add up to over 10 years? 30 years?

If you learned even ONE technique to improve your social skills — something you can use every day while talking to co-workers, men, women, even random people on the street — what would that be worth?

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Introducing My “Small Talk” Hacks Video

I created a new video for you, a 30-minute crash course on improving your social skills. I didn’t want to just offer you one or two random “tips.” I wanted to go deeper.

The video includes easy scripts for starting a conversation, keeping it going, and politely ending conversations (even with ramblers). I also included a live social-skills teardown about how to make small talk, plus the powerful concept of the Story Toolbox.

1:28   – Watch as I analyze my latest national TV appearance, beat-by-beat
4:07   – The social skills mistakes I used to make
5:44   – How do you start a conversation with a stranger?
8:20   – How do you keep the conversation going?
13:47 – How do you end a conversation politely?
16:57 – Your Story Toolbox: How can make yourself memorable?
20:50 – How do you make small talk?

TO DO TODAY

In the video at 16:57, I described the Story Toolbox, a Dream Job concept that lets you walk into any interaction — a job interview, bar, or cocktail party — and instantly have 5-10 stories to use at any given moment.

Top performers know that by having these stories ready to use — stories that consistently get positive reactions — they can instantly connect with anyone.

Today, I want you to start building your Story Toolbox.

Here’s your challenge:

  1. Brainstorm ONE engaging story (like my story about the recovering alcoholic at the bar), then test it on 1 person — a friend, family member, coworker, even a stranger.
  2. In the comments below, share the story (just an excerpt) and the reaction you got. It’s OK to get a negative reaction! Share whatever you find below.

How to make small talk and other advanced social skills is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.